Honor and Respect

Principle number 4 from Dr. John Gottman is: “Letting your Partner Influence You”. In the chapter, Dr. Gottman gives many detailed examples of partners allowing influence as well as not. He also tells of studies of couples him and his staff have observed in order to get a statistical standing when his advice is taken or not. For instance, he tells us that his long-term study of 130 newlywed couples over eight years, he found that, “even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives’ influence.” He goes on to note that, “Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” (the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Gottman/ pg. 116 par2)

So why are there men who resist this? What’s the magic potion that makes men not want a happier more stable life? I contend that most of the time men who have good intentions don’t necessarily realize they are being contentious. It’s difficult transitioning from a single, independent man (hunter and gatherer) to a settled down at-ease family situation. Plus, males feel a lot of pressure to fulfill roles as the leader of the family. This pressure is intimidating and scary- failure always seems right around the corner, but we don’t want to waste time cowering. We’d rather go at things doing what we think needs to be done, and we think if we get our partners input it makes us look like we don’t know what we’re doing. But acting on things in this manner can quickly turn even new relationships upside down; as Gottman states, “There are still husbands who simply refuse to consider any opinions their wives air, and never take their feelings or ideas into account when making decisions. They simply and openly refuse to share power with their wives.” (Seven Principles/pg. 118 par.3) As I said, many men have good intentions when acting like this. They feel it’s a weakness (or will be seen as such) to share power or decision making with their spouse. But what men like this miss is how their wife feels: disrespected, ignored, dishonored and unloved. A man who disrespects his wife by ignoring her opinions and/or desires and decision making power most of the time or all of the time will quickly be thrust into a very bad relationship. As Dr. Gottman suggests, the same will happen if the wife dishonors and disrespects her husband, so the scales must be evenly placed on both sides. Of course there are men out there who are power hungry, chauvinistic or belittling of women and will not share power or decision making with their partner no matter what: I believe that is the minority and that most people have good intentions.
One part of Dr. Gottmans advice that struck me is when he states common-sensically: “When a husband accepts his wife’s influence, he also strengthens their friendship.” (Seven Principles/pg. 121 par.1) Of course this will strengthen their friendship! The wife gives her input about decision A, which husband listens to and brainstorms with her, follows her opinion and advice and builds a strategy with her. Then when decision A is executed, both partners feel they had a hand in it and that the other respected their input. Things like what color to paint the nursery, whether to purchase a sports car or mini-van, or even what to get for dinner on date night. All of these choices can be relationship (friendship) strengthening or deadening, depending on how it’s approached.

If you do not HONOR your spouse how can you love them? If you do not RESPECT your spouse, how could they possibly be your friend?