Turning Towards One Another


In the book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" Dr. John Gottman lists Principle 3 as: "Turn towards each other instead of away". This title has obvious multiple meanings with none being negative. When I read the title of the chapter, I thought of when I first got married and I looked my new bride in the eye while we held hands and swore our vows to each other. At that time, we were facing each other in a physical, emotional and spiritual way. Dr. Gottman goes beyond the physical ways we face each other when he talks about things like:
  • Not missing bids for affection by letting anger or negativity block it
                Harsh start ups, criticisms and holding grudges from past arguments are negativities that help to miss bids
  • Not letting the "Wired World" provide distraction and pulling away
                Electronic devices help to turn away and withdraw from real life and relationships by giving a virtual reality distraction, but can lead to neglecting our relationships needs.
Another section in this principle talks about getting closer by listening to your partners angers, fears, sadness and empathizing rather than attempting to fix things:
  • Acknowledging the difficulty
  • Remember to understand instead of problem solve
  • Ask open ended questions to get a deeper understanding of the issue, while validating what your partner is saying
  • Don't question "why" since this invalidates or minimizes the issue
This chapter gives great tips and exercises to help grow closer to each other in our relationships. I hope that learning and following this principle will assist in improving my marriage and those who read my blogs.

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