Gridlock- Identifying It and Overcoming It

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     In his book "the Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work," Dr. John Gottman Principle number 6 is labeled "Overcome Gridlock" (chp 11, p.236). He describes gridlock as pretty much a standstill, where parties involved will not budge or compromise their stance in order for the other side to gain ground. He goes on to state that, while there are sometimes gridlocks between couples that are "momentous, much of the time the difficulties would seem ridiculously trivial to anyone outside of the relationship."  (p. 236 par.2). So how do such trivial problems balloon to be so deadlocked?

Dr. Gottman states all gridlocked disagreements share four characteristics. They are:

•  Having the same argument over and over with no resolution. 
• Neither party can address the issue with humor, empathy or affection.
• Issue becomes more polarizing as time goes on.
• Compromise seems impossible because it means giving up a core value or sense of self

     These four characteristics seem pretty trivial and solvable when you first look at them. It would seem that all is needed is some compromise and communication- especially between two loving people. But that's not always the case, because everyone likes their side heard and respected, and everyone wants validation for what they believe and understand. So if there is a disagreement about something like the best color to paint the master bedroom, for example, it would sound to anyone on the outside like a very trivial subject. Take this hypothetical:

• Husband wants camouflage green jungle these to make him feel like he's hunting in the Amazon, but wife wants pink with flowers because it reminds her of her childhood bedroom growing up, the argument can easily spin into gridlock.

1.  They need to agree on it before painting, so they talk about it over and over again without resolution. 
2.  Neither one will laugh or show empathy to the others position, so each feels invalidated by the other. 
3.  As time goes on, comments become more sarcastic and hurtful, polarizing each other and developing more angst.
4. Husband feels if he gives in he's giving up masculinity and losing. Wife feels she'll be a prisoner in a scary cave.

     The above hypothetical situation will need solutions. Dr. Gottman states these issues "don't necessarily need to be solved to get past gridlock, and neither has to 'give in' or 'lose'. The just need to be acknowledged and discussed without hurting each other." (p. 237 par 3).

     Dr. Gottman also points out that the issues causing gridlock are signs that each person has hopes, aspirations and wishes they feel are not being acknowledged or respected by the other. These feelings run deep. So deep, that they are felt to be foundation of character or of self worth. If a person feels their principles, dreams and values are being trampled on; they will certainly fight to protect them.   

The way to get past the gridlock, Dr. Gottman explains, is to discuss each other's dreams, aspirations, hopes and wishes with one another and to work on them together with respect and understanding.

• In the above hypothetical, wife could explain the importance of feeling secure and safe while sleeping is a big reason for her wanting a room that reminds her of her childhood. This would allow husband the understanding of wife's deep needs when thinking of her. He could compromise by saying he'll paint a den or spare bedroom camouflage green, allowing him to feel like he's in the jungle being masculine (fulfilling his wishes) when watching sports and hanging out with friends. 

     This simple discussion and agreement could easily solve many issues in a rough marriage.