The Four Horsemen to relationshp apocalypse

The Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse

In John Gottmans book "The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work", one of the first chapters deals with relationship destroyers he calls "The Four Horsemen" These are the titles he gives for Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. In my own failed relationships I've noticed all of the aforementioned horsemen prevalent during various stages.

·         Criticism, according to Dr. Gottman is, "basically implying that there is something wrong with them. You have taken a problem between you and put it inside your partner’s body. Using the words: “You always” or “you never” are common ways to criticize.  The antidote to criticism is to make a direct complaint that is not a global attack on your partner’s personality."

·         Contempt is "any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts you on a higher ground than your partner. Mocking your partner, calling them names, rolling your eyes and sneering in disgust are all examples of contempt.  The antidote to contempt is to lower your tolerance for contemptuous statements and behaviors and to actively work on building a culture of appreciation in the relationship."

·         Defensiveness, Gottman states, happens  "when you attempt to defend yourself from a perceived attack with a counter complaint...Unfortunately, defensiveness escalates negative communication. Even if your partner is criticizing you, defensiveness is not the way to go. It will only fuel a bad exchange. The antidote to defensiveness is to try to hear your partner’s complaint and to take some responsibility for the problem.

·          Stonewalling happens "when the listener withdraws from the conversation. The stonewaller might actually physically leave or they might just appear to shut down. They may look like he/she doesn’t care but that usually isn’t the case. Typically they are trying to calm themselves. Unfortunately, this seldom works because the partner is likely to assume they don’t care enough about the problem to talk about it. The antidote is to learn to identify the signs that you or your partner is starting to feel overwhelmed and to agree together to take a break." ( image and quotes: http://www.acouplesplace.com/Gottmans_Four_Horsemen_are_Divorce_Predictors.html  italics added)

Of the 4, I believe the one most destructive in my own personal dealings has been Defensiveness. The reason for this is because a most important principle I rely on: Honesty. Because I believe honesty is such an important facet to relationships, I rely on it heavily and expect that people I have strong relationships with do also. When my honesty is questioned during heated discussions or arguments, I become defensive pretty easily and often refuse to back down. When I do so it's often misconstrued as justification or flat out lying. When one is strongly defensive during a heated argument, it can be mistaken as argumentative, which fuels the fire.  After reading Dr. Gottmans suggestions about these four destructive elements, I plan on taking his advice for the antipodes to each, (especially Defensiveness), and hope they will help improvements.