Love Maps

In his book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", Dr. John Gottman describes what he calls "Love Maps," or the "Part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner."(1) Examples he uses are things like favorite foods, interests, hobbies, desires, peeves, goals, worries and etc. I tend to think of all these as "the little things" my wife says are so important to remember.

While it seems like common sense to remember these types of "little things" about our partner, I think it's almost too easy and obvious, to the point where it becomes very simple to forget such things. For instance, I remember that my wife loves odd flowers that aren't the cliché roses or carnations, but can't remember whether her favorites are lilies or not, and what type of lilies at that. I know she likes sushi, but have no clue what the name of her favorite restaurant is even though we've been there numerous times over the 4 years we've been married. She knows I don't like to repeat myself (it makes me feel like people don't pay attention), but gets perturbed when I just say, "never mind" instead of saying something again (this actually doesn't happen much, because I know it's not a big deal repeating myself when someone doesn't hear me).
I think the key to developing what Dr. Gottman calls a "richly detailed love map," is setting aside time and energy to remember or take notes (journal maybe?) things I know are important to my partner so they're easier to remember. I know from example how offended my wife has gotten when I have either asked her to remind me about things like her interests and hobbies, or just plain forgetting altogether. The way she feels when things like that happen is that I just don't care enough to remember. Honestly though, I admit t feeling the same way when the shoe is on the other foot; I've felt uncared for when finding out that she forgets a minuscule tidbit which I feel important. In the end it truly is the "little things" that matter most in our relationships; like Dr. Gottman says, "Without a detailed love map you can't truly know your spouse. And if you don't really know someone how can you truly love them?" I commit to trying more than in the past to develop a more richly detailed love map with my wife, so she knows how much I truly care about her and our relationship.

1. Gottman J. "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" 2015 Harmony Books p.54
image credit: http://6iee.com/716238.html

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