Healthy Relations With In-Laws
In chapter 37 of the
book Helping
and Healing our Families: Principles and Practices Inspired by "The Family:
A Proclamation to The World", J.M.
Harper and S.F. Olson give great guidance and examples of why it's important
for married couples have good relations with each other's family. Some of the
most important of these reasons I feel, are:
- Married couples leave their parents and "cleave unto their spouses"
This guidance is scriptural, and found in the Bible
(Genesis 2:24). Basically this commandment is set out to help us all to branch
out and begin a new generation; full of learning, and accomplishments, and
failures that we experience after leaving home. It is imperative for both
spouses to "cleave" to one another in order to grow physically,
emotionally and spiritually closer to each other (as in most cases, their
parents did before them). If either or both spouses do not break away from their
parents, what results is the other spouse feeling unloved and forgotten. (Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. 2005, Helping and healing our families: Principles
and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" p.330)
- Married couples must learn to create a "Marital Identity"
The couple learns to think of themselves as existing
together inside an invisible fence. This means sharing information and
experiences within that boundary (fence) and not sharing it with anyone outside
of it. As Mr. Harper states, this can be difficult to get used to at first for
children who are used to sharing everything with their parents. But if not
followed, the other spouse may become resentful or uneasy sharing information
he or she feels is strictly confidential family matters. (Harper, p.328)
- Including new spouse into the extended family
As Mr. Harper notes, "Lack of marital approval,
blaming, intrusion, holding grudges, and refusing to redefine ones role as a
parent make poor in-law relationships and can also jeopardize the marriage of
the son or daughter" (Harper p.330).
If spouse 'A' feels uncomfortable when visiting his wife's
family, and the In-laws do nothing to subdue that discomfort, he will
eventually not want to visit his wife's family and their view of him will
likely degrade further. Resentments and gossip are likely, looking at him as
'snobby', 'too good for us', or just plain unloving and not worthy. What's
needed to avoid this from happening, the author says, is good communication
between the parents and children in-law and also recognition of adjustments to
the new family (Helping and Healing p.331).
Things like communication styles, approachability and comfort levels are
examples of this. Mr. Harper notes the example of children in-law easing the
comfort level by getting to call spouses parents "Mom and Dad"
instead of more formal titles.
(source http://www.facebook.com/MeetTheParents/)
As husbands and wives learn to accept and develop the new
relationships with their In-Laws, they will more easily form tighter family
bonds and stronger relationships which will undoubtedly be passed on to children,
making it easier for them when they
grow and begin their own families in future generations.
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